Then we went to Tirupati. But unfortunately in Kalahasti my aunt lost her money and bank cards as well. We headed to TPT with heavy hearts. We had Kalyanam and also good darshan. That was the first time that I visited Tirupati after reading a book of his leelas and also after the quarrel. All my earlier visits were just visits feeling that HE is god and we were going there to pay respects thats it. No sort of association.

But this time, we had a quarrel. So I prayed to HIM to show HIS presence and also to prove that all the messages that I am getting are not false and I only came only when baba gave me permission etc., I wanted to take Laddu as prasad. After we come out of darshan, temple authorities distribute prasadam to us. But to my dismay I got curd rice. I felt very disappointed. We were waiting at the temple's premises for the other members of our family to come. I saw a lorry with laddus to be distributed to the devotees.

I felt very very bad. I thought that god is saying me that "I haven't given you the Laddu but I am distributing to others in front of you. So wantonly I haven't given to you." I felt very very bad. I was quarreling with him feeling that " Am I so paraaya to you? Tirupati is so famous for Laddus and you can't give me laddu and you can't prove me your existence. You might be there but you are not for me".

I was observing the laddu van only. A small kid asked the person in the lorry for laddu. He gave the laddu and commanded him and her sister not to come again. So I thought even if I ask, HE would scold me as I am very big.

But I couldn't resist the feeling and at the end when we were leaving I asked him for a laddu. I was so desperate and obstinate to take laddu at any cost. Then that man said, 'Ayyo! You are here for such a long time and if you ask me, I would have given to you. Now nothing left.'

You could feel my emotions then. 'Am I so proud that I couldn't ask?' I questioned myself. But I am adamant and so I took the powder that is left in the lorry though the man was saying that there was nothing left. Again tears were in my eyes but I couldn't weep and I made few steps feeling very dejected and down. Then suddenly my people called me saying to look back. There the man in the lorry sent a laddu for me (probably they might have kept for themselves). No expression, no words can describe my feeling then.

Out of all my experiences so far in this life, these two are the wonderful experiences that I can never forget. Still baba is testing me despite those experiences. I do not know whether the blessing come true in this life or only in the next life.

My visit to Golagamudi in January 2006

I have been in turmoil for 5 long years and to be frank baba ditched me. I lost all hopes in life. If people cheat, we complain to god. If god himself cheats, we have no one. That is the end. Unfortunately it happened to me. Baba to whom I look up to for every thing, who proved to me time and again that HE is with me had given a very big blow to my life. I am just a living dead now. Ofcourse people blame me only saying that 'I might have misinterpreted or I might have pressured HIM'. But truth -- god only knows. If TRUTH is god, god also has to accept and oblige it.

Coming to my experiences in January, I have been praying to all gods and express my agony pressing for answers. Ofcourse I didn't get any answer. Except a silence. There was a trip to Tirupati, Kanipakam and Aragonda with the families of our Aunts. Actually last year, Lord Venkateswara Swamy (Balaji) has asked me if I would give my hair to HIM if HE fulfills my wish. (I felt so that HE asked me). I accepted but HE didn't granted it. That was a big shock to me wherein god in every form has cheated me. Don't know how many sins I had committed to receive such a big blow but that is true. So I got very angry on HIM and I thought that I will never visit TPT and if I ever visit, I will give my hair to HIM saying that 'See you didn't keep your promise, but I stick to my word and still giving you hair though you didn't fulfill my wish'. When my parents are planning this trip with the families of my aunts (all of us for doing Kalyanam to Lord Balaji), I was not interested to go. Then I asked baba Himself to say whether to go or not and HE immediately asked me to go. (HE is not giving answers as earlier and for this question, HE gave). Then I thought of whether to give hair or not (there is some reason for my doldrums). I questioned HIM a lot but didn't get a reply. What I decided is until and unless I get a stern 'No', I will give the hair. The day before we left for the trip, I got the reply saying that 'Now you keep it with yourself. You can give later'.

I had been longing a lot to get a blessing from Lord Venkaiah Swamy of Golagamudi. As soon as we alighted in Nellore, we went to my uncle's house and got ready quickly and started for Golagamudi. I just hid my tears from everyone but heart in heart I am weeping and praying a lot to give me blessing feeling what is the mistake in my confidence etc., I didn't go with my parents for the thread (it is customary to receive a thread there to be tied to our wrist) but was praying so deeply. We had to leave in 5 minutes or so but still I didn't get any blessings. I was so dejected and disappointed. I then completed a small book on HIM and was about to leave then my mother called me up saying 'Come on, Come on Guravaiah Swamy is there. Take his blessing'. To be frank, I do not believe Guravaiah Swamy. But I went there. When I bowed to him, he kept his hand on my head as Ashirwad and then they have given me some kumkum. I also bowed to the padukas of Venkaiah Swamy and left with much satisfaction. I begged for Aashirwad and He had given me.