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It is my experience with baba during Feb 2004. I have a personal deadline for myself on Dec 2004 and so I am anxious on better job prospects and seriously looking out for a change. I decided to move to bangalore by resigning the job. How many times I open and seek permission, he didn't give me. But I was too busy in job that I find no time at all for personal things too. I badly thought of a change though I loved the job. So one day I told him like give me a crystal clear message that you don't want me to resign the job.

In the evening, one of my seniors in the university rang to me. He is good and we have good rapport. Thats it. We never communicated much. We can count it on finger that how many times we communicated. He told that somehow he got the thought of me and so rang and while talking I expressed my wish to resign the job and all. He told me that 'never ever resign the job'. Thats it. I thought 'its ok. I got the message'. Because he stays in blr and all of a sudden why he should think of me and ring to me.

Though I am disappointed that he didn't permit me, I am happy that atleast he sent me message.

Later I switch over to present job. The same happened again seriously from september last year that I strongly wished to resign the job and it reached its peak on november, december, january. How many times I ask HIM by opening the books 'do not resign the job. wait with patience' is the only reply I got. I struggled a lot to continue, I mean its a matter of personal choice. Anyhow from April I got good change in the job front if not the best.

I am now again desperately waiting for a message from him ofcourse not with respect to job. Let us see whether HE gives or not. If not, I decided not to talk to HIM again and this would be the end of our relationship from my side.

Sudden Surprise after the Chennai Trip

Immediately after coming from Chennai, I mean on Monday, Vani akka (my roommate when I was studying M.Sc. She is a good friend of mine) , called me to her house as her mother came. Somehow I felt an urge to go there. Leg is still paining and my mother also not feeling well. But I insisted on going there.

We alighted the bus near JNTU and rang to her to pick us up as we dont' know her house. She came and when we are about to sit in the auto I saw a banner about Satsangam. I wished to go to it. Because I have been longing to attend a Satsang in hyd. But was not possible so far. Though my mother denied, I pressured and me and Vani akka came to Satsang after going to her house.

When we came to Satsang, I came to know that it was of Sri Purna Chandra Rao garu from Vizag. We sat there for sometime and someone are singing bhajans. After sometime I went before the platform to pray to Baba's murthy. You believe it or not, there were padukas of 9 avadhutas. I don't know about it. I was really amazed. I thanked HIM. Later the satsang started and I came to know that Avadhuta Gopal Baba just left the place few min back. Then I thought 'Oh, I missed HIM'. Anyway I was not that much sad because it is only me who used to say to Baba that I do not need darshan of any avadhutas. Baba, Master garu, Venkaiah Swamy are enough for me. May be that is why baba did not let me have the darshan of gopal baba and Amma of Maruvattur.

Even in the Satsang, Sri PurnaChandra Rao narrated the incident of Parvatesudu, by whose field Sri Gurudu used to go and when the lord asks HIM what HE wants, he replies that God should bless HIS field by walking there and eventually god tests HIS belief and devotion and blesses him accordingly. I felt like the message was 'Have faith even though the present situation seems to be completely dark'. But I am angry on this message too. Why should HE feel that I do not have faith in HIM. I have but HE only is playing with my feelings by saying 'Kabhi Ha, Kabhi Na'. These days I am feeling very restless and getting much angry on HIM.

My impression of the trip

My trip to Chennai was very fruitful and there was no inconvenience at all except for the expenses (otherwise would be less) and the minor pain which didn't bother me in the least.

There was a small story. I have been quarreling with baba for a long time and on tuesday (July 12th) I beated him. Means I gave punches on his image in the book. I was so angry that baba is not answering me at all and if at all he gives, the same old and gramphone recorded sort of replies. I have been praying and pleading and He seems not caring at all. So I was at my lunatic best :) and gave two or three punches with much anger and I also beated the book to the cot many times.

I really feel like throwing the books and tearing the pages and throwing all the portraits in the river. I know I had to experience the similar things if I put them into action :) but at times I get that much angry on baba for His silence and not so caring replies.

I didn't visited the doctor for 3 long months and there was no medication at all. I thought this time doctor (homeopathy) will scold me and he may advice a small surgery. (My uncle has to undergo the same. My Uncle, My mother and Me got the same ailment - It is one of the types of Egzima).

I thought 'Baba, I beated you. So you let me visit chennai and then you punish me as such. Ok. This time I do not fear. Let thy will prevail. But please baba. Let the doctor not scold me and give only medicines but not any injection or surgery. Tell me baba. Did I beat you unnecessarily? You were playing pranks with me and you care damn for me so in that anger I retaliated as such. what is my mistake? I once again say, it is only your fault but not mine.) I have been saying to him as such.

Luckily doctor didn't scold me at all. He was more cool than before. I thanked HIM. Ofcourse I didn't keep my promise this time too. I said to HIM that I will complete one book of Sai Namam. But I didn't. So what is there with baba? It is my fault always and I deserve whatever baba gives.

As I am moody and lazy, I do not pray regularly. I pray whenever feel like. I claim like never bother such things for I always remember you and am conscious that you are there with me and you know my each and every thought. hmm...... one of the worst devotees any god can have. But baba is so kind that HE bears me and my Shaitaani.

Whatever, baba is baba. There is no doubt about that.

Second Day in Chennai

Visit to Shenoy Nagar and Mel Maruvattur

Actually my aunt from Cheepurpalli rang and invited us to her place as I was on leave. It was years that I visited their place. We were in a fix. My mother rang to another aunt in Tirupati and said that we may go there. My brother insisted to visit Nellore. My mom also wanted me to visit Maruvattur at any cost. I want to visit Shenoy Nagar temple and Annababa Mandir and I didn't liked the idea to leave Chennai without visiting them. What to do? Where to go? My brother insisted to go to Nellore. We don't know the correct address of any of the two temples.

Anyway we started by 9 am. We went to the Sai temple near Guindy by auto. ( I did not have any communication to/from my cell as I didn't charge it. I was so shy and what we call (mohamatam), I couldn't charge my cell in my NET friend's house though I took charger with me) The temple was closed. There an elderly man guided us. He asked us to visit Shenoy Nagar by dropping at Nunjambakkam. From Guindy, Nunjambakkam comes after 4 stops. Mambalam, ? , Kodambakkam, Nunjambakkam. We dropped at Nunjambakkam and went to Shenoy Nagar.

The Autowallahs charged much. But we bargained and went there for 40 rs. But to our dismay, the temple was also closed. And we came to know that Anna Baba Mandir is very far and they are not sure if it is open all the day. So we decided to visit Maruvattur (I thought that because of this reason baba punished me without giving darshan in Guindy and Shenoy Nagar). But I felt very very sorry for not being able to see the temple. The temple was locked. Though they allowed inside, we couldn't see anything. We just went round the temple. One generous lady who stays in the opposite house suggested us to visit Maruvattur and then return in the evening if we have enough time. She spoke in telugu.

I am not sure if we can make it to the temple in the evening. I was depressed and got angry on baba like 'See. I came from hyderabad. Ok. It is not me who came but it is you who brought me here. But then why didn't you allow me to have your darshan here. I am really really anxious to visit these 4 temples in Chennai. Why didn't you permit me?' Anyway we again took auto to Koyembedu station and boarded Maruvattur bus. This temple is also closed by the time we reached there. We reached there by 1:15 pm and the temple will be open after 3 pm. What to do? I cursed myself that why didn't I prefer to come to Maruvattur in the morning itself so that I can return and visit both the temples. My brother insisted to go to either Cheepurpalli or Nellore. I told him like I have to visit one of the temples anyhow. This way we quarreled.

The temple is very beautiful and so the goddess. The premises are also very clean. I bought two sarees there. I missed the main devotee (He is a man and devotees call him 'Amma'). We came to know that HE will come by car by 4 pm. I was neither interested nor indifferent. I was anxious to return to Chennai asap. We went to ring to my parents and aunt and by the time we returned he just left. It was only 3:35 pm. I felt very disappointed. We missed Him in the matter of 5 minutes or so. I thought 'Ok Baba. Ok. Your will. I am not so interested. It would be good, if I could see Him. Ok. May be some other time. Never mind:) Atleast bless me with your darshan in any one of the temples'. Heart in heart I wished to visit Shenoy Nagar only as we know the way for it.

I am somewhat disheartened and so I decided to return to hyderabad only instead of going to Cheepurpalli. Two reasons for it. Mood out (I am completely moody fellow and they fluctuate like anything. All of a sudden I will be depressed for no reason :( :) Also I invited an elderly person to my house and he agreed to visit. It would be bad if I am not present there in hyderabad. Also my leg became something beyond description. I am limping actually and I became an object to look at for everyone. So I thought of visiting doctor asap. So I asked my brother to take tickets to hyderabad only. If not, then take tickets for vizag or so (because we decided to leave chennai the very day). Luckily we got tickets (last seats). It was 6:15pm and the bus is at 8 pm. We rushed to Shenoy Nagar in Auto and you belive me or not, this mandir is wonderful. Do not miss it. The mandir is so simple and rich in serenity. There is Swami Kesavaiahji's samadhi too. I liked the priest. He just shouts 'Sai' when any new devotee comes and pray to the main photo in sanctum sanctorum. It was like calling HIM, informing HIM that someone came for you. His call is too good and I felt straight from the heart too, that I wished to listen to it again and again.

After sitting few minutes near Swami Kesavaiahji's Samadhi ( I read his life history long back and from then I wonder if I can ever visit this temple because Chennai was never in our list of places as we have no one there), I came to main mandir and sat before baba and began speaking to him. Though I missed Annababa Mandir, I am happy that I could atleast visit this temple and baba listened to my prayer. I began talking to HIM, 'Baba can you give me prasad, I am feeling hungry'. At that time there was no prasad. Priest gave me some flower (pedda malle damdalo chinna mukka) and sugar candy (patika bellam). Immediately a devotee couple came and brought two dozens of bananas and the priest asked them to distribute to the devotees sitting in the mandir. It was amrutapani banana and very big. One banana was enough for the time being. I felt very joy because that is itself like baba talking to me.

Earlier our conversations are such, I feel or ask something and he would respond immediately. Whether he grants every wish or not is not the question, but whether he talks or not is the one that matters to me the most. So I was happy. Then there were many poolamalas (garlands) on the feet. I thought 'Baba what would you do with such big poolamalas. why don't you give me one?'. But ofcourse he didn't :)) Anyway after having very good time in the temple, we left it. There is a small Vinayaka temple in the same premises. The priest of the temple spoke to us in the morning. He recognized me and he gave me the poolamala (ofcourse a small one as given by the main priest:)) and enquired if I visited Maruvattur. We started at 7:40 pm from the temple. Ofcourse bus was late. It started at 8:30 pm.

First Day in Chennai

As we are new to Chennai, we don't know how to go to my net friend's house. He has given the address as sms. I only know that we have to go to Velachery and then I have the direction. He has given the bus number and it is from the koyembedu station. But we dropped at Central station as one passenger told us that our destination is near from this place. By that time my leg is swelling like anything. It got bulged. But I am anxious to visit Sai Puram. (when can I go to this person's house, when can I get ready, when can I be able to visit the temple. Oh my god, you want me to be late.....) I rang to my net friend and he asked me to go to Guindy and then from Guindy take auto to his house. His mother is waiting for us. Then we went to Guindy by train and then went to his house. It was very easy to locate his house. His mother received us very well. We took bath and had our brunch.

Meanwhile this guy asked me about the phone number and all to enquire about the timings. I asked him to browse the Shirdi-sai-baba.com/forum and check my post under 'prayers' section. I am confident that the fellow sai bandhus of the forum will reply me. As expected Shammiji and Sushmaji replied. The phone number is of Mailapur temple and they gave the saipuram temple's number. Thus we started by 12 pm. By that time I became weak and I feel drowsy and we started. We need to go to Tiruvanmayur and from there we can get sharing autos or buses. We got the bus for tiruvayur and from there we went to Tiruvanmayur. I couldn't walk by this time. It was very difficult and everyone are staring at me. My brother felt embarrassed and said 'See. All are looking at you'. I care a damn for it. I am just waiting for the moment to step into the temple.

When we alighted at Tiruvanmayur and were waiting for bus, sharing autos were moving by. One person shouted 'Injambakkam, Injambakkam'. I asked him if he could drop us at Sai temple. They didn't know Saipuram. One of the passengers in the auto told me that if we have to go by bus, we need to say 'Prarthana Theatre' (I suppose so.) as the stop. I visited Kovalam in May and at that time I don't know about Saipuram. Anyhow we reached there and bought the threads, lamps, coconut and also the craddle. I slowly walked and atlast could step inside the temple. I felt very joy though I am weak. I thought 'Oh, Baba! Atlast you brought me here. Thank you. But what is the use if you do not talk to me. Please talk to me and grant my wish'. I have been saying so. I felt very much joy because I longed like anything to visit Saipuram from the moment I came to know about it. I think it is Sangeetaji who told me about Saipuram and the wish fulfilling tree. I thank her very much. Really this is a temple every sai devotee must visit.

I liked the baba painting on the back of the marble statue in the sanctum sanctorum than the statue itself. In that baba's hands are like inviting us to hug him. It was like Jesus stretching hands. It is a rare photo I guess because I never saw baba in this pose, stretching hands. I feel like hugging him. It was like meeting after a long time and celebrating the occasion. Ofcourse baba is every where. But I liked the photo a lot. I roamed all the temple and everywhere the photos are life-like images. You could really see HIM in those photos. You feel as if HE is staring at you, directly into your eyes. As I couldn't eat well, I became hungry and got sleep. But I wished to do pradakshina too. I was just doing rounds to the main statue. I thought like lets do as many as I can. I usually count 9 * 12s. One 12 at a time. Once I complete 3 rounds ( 3 * 12 = 36), I sat for a while, doze and then again go round. In this way, I could complete 108. I did this as if I am limping for the pain. I have been praying HIM like how can you cheat me baba, how can you be silent, please answer, please bless me. why are you so silent, I know you accompanied me here. Without you I couldn't come. When this ardent wish to visit Saipuram came true, why can't the other which takes my life away. Please do not send me without your blessing, do not send me with empty hands. Atleast give an answer to me'. In this way I have been praying HIM all through. By the time I completed 108 pradakshins, I was exhausted completely. I ate banana.

There is a meditation room below the sanctum sanctorum. Instead of meditating, me and my brother just slept. I thought someone would come and scold us. But luckily no one came there. As it is friday afternoon, visitors are very less. It was something like I couldn't move my leg and it is paining. I again got doubt. Baba, what is this, I am not able to move. I cannot return without visiting other temples. I can't lay sick in someone else's house. Please give me strength etc., Few times I tried but I couldn't move. I just sit for sometime and then I could move. Before that when we decided to leave, I prayed to baba for His answer and told HIM that I will open just once. I took the books that I bought in Shirdi. In one book, I got the incident of Sapatnekar. 'See this person thinks that I killed his child. Did I do that? Never mind. I will bring the very child back to her womb and bless him'. In the same page also there is the incident of Dr. Pillai. I opened another book. To my surprise in that page there was the incident of Chandbhai Patil. ' You didn't lose your horse. It is nearby only. Search there'. (Not exactly the same sentences). I am happy for this replies. Ofcourse I didn't get any confirmation. The more he replies, the more we wish for confirmation. Anyway HE kept quiet. But I felt good. Its ok. It is better than keeping mum or giving irrelevant answer.

Then I decided to go to Mailapur Sai Temple. We went to Tiruvanmayur and then boarded a bus for Mailapur. We had to walk a lot to reach the temple from the bus stop and we couldn't get the auto. My leg began to pain again and I sat there without going for darshan as I couldn't stand in line. Though it is not similar, this temple resembled the baba temple in Nellore. Somehow I felt so though there is no resemblance at all. After half an hour, I stood up and went for darshan. I really wished for the flower from baba drop on me. But the priest there removed the flowers leaving no chance for it :( I thought 'Its ok. I shouldn't ask for more. It is ok. :)) The prasadam there is 'sambar rice' and believe me it was so delicious and I was so hungry that I wished to ate a plate full of it. But as it is prasadam and that person might scold me for I went for second time, I resisted the temptation. But it is too good that my mouth waters even now while I type:)

In Mylapore temple people lit candles. I too lighted. My brother asked me to visit the doctor there in the temple but I feared as the dispensary is allopathic. Anyway as my foot bulged like anything and swelling, I decided to return to my net friend's house instead of going to other temples. But no one in Mylapore could give correct answer about Shenoy Nagar Sai Temple. They suggested a small temple near Guindy and told us that it is itself Shenoy Nagar. By the time we returned to his house, his wife and child are back from office and school respectively. After sometime my NET friend came. This was the first time that we met.

Getting Permission to visit Chennai

I started to Chennai last thursday evening. I was on leave from 15th to 22nd of this month. So I was in a fix whether to visit Chennai for Gurupurnima or start immediately. I read that one should tie the thread on thursday and fridays only. So I decided to start that thursday itself. My left foot is not good and is swelling with blood and pus. I wanted to go at any cost if Baba permit me. Earlier I couldn't go as I didn't get the tickets. This time I started asking HIM in NET and also I asked my parents to ask HIM. But somehow we didn't get correct answer. I then mailed to one of my friends who is in Singapore and asked her to open Satcharita for me about the trip. I thought that if I get some positive reply, then I will move on. If I get the tickets then it is an indication for your consent. She mailed me that she get the page where Baba gives permission to Mereekar and ask him to take Shama along with him. I thought who would be the shama in my case. Anyway as my mother and father are not feeling well, they decided to send my brother along with me. But they are very unhappy with my impulsive decisions. They asked me to wait as my foot is also not good and said that to go leisurely. They said they also will accompany me by getting reservation for Gurupurnima. My dad asked me to wait for one day atleast so that he can accompany me. (Because me and my brother both are new to Chennai and we do not have any relatives there. I decided to go to a NET friend's house). My mother said that the tithi is 'ashtami' and it is not good t o start. I just replied them like what to hesitate if baba has given me permission and if I get the tickets it is itself the evidence that he has given it. So my parents kept quiet. I rang to my colleague and asked him to find out if the tickets are available. This time he booked the tickets for us. (Ofcourse with double cost. I could get tickets only in AC bus).
Thus I started for Chennai though my parents and brother are not willing. Anyways my mother also asked me to visit Mel Maruvattur. I went to an office where I worked previously and still associated with (as the bus stop is near by). Sir told me that if I can say before hand, he would have arranged a nice trip for me because he has many good friends there. He then rang to one of his friends and let me talk with HIM. He asked him to take very good care of me as I do not know chennai well.

With all this, I am slowly sinking. Deep in my heart I begin to feel like am I doing anything wrong by starting hurriedly. Should I need to slow down and should correct myself from taking impulsive decisions. Anyway I just shed off all those thoughts assuring myself like 'come what may, I am anxious to visit sai puram and baba also has given me permission. why should I worry unnecessarily'. The thing is it was very cold and I am usually avert to chill weather. We forgot the sweater and blanket etc., Anyhow I thought like 'Ok. I completely surrender to you. If this is the punishment for not being able to wait, it is ok'. Then the bus people begin to give a small card having baba's photo on it. I am surprised. Then I became very happy. 'Ok. I have your permission. You are travelling with me. Thank you'. Then I grow stronger and all my sad thoughts disappeared. Why not, when baba is with me, why should I fear :)) Then I began to talk to HIM like 'Baba, I know it is not possible and not good to ask but can you give me blanket too as I am feeling very cold and shivering'. I have been asking HIM as such but I thought how can baba give even if HE wishes so for who will give me the blanket in the bus full of unknown passengers. I also felt like it is greediness to ask Baba for a blanket for HE gave permission to visit Saipuram and also HE himself is travelling with me and it is enough.

I took my brother's shirt from the bag and also covered myself with dupatta. Still I am feeling very cold and shivering. Then all of a sudden bus people began to give blankets. (As it is an AC bus it is customary for them to give. As I never travelled in the AC bus I didn't know about that). One has to imagine my feelings when I get the blanket. It is really unexplainable. I rang to my mother and informed them what had happened. I rang two times, first to inform that baba is coming with me and then about the blanket.