Then we went to Tirupati. But unfortunately in Kalahasti my aunt lost her money and bank cards as well. We headed to TPT with heavy hearts. We had Kalyanam and also good darshan. That was the first time that I visited Tirupati after reading a book of his leelas and also after the quarrel. All my earlier visits were just visits feeling that HE is god and we were going there to pay respects thats it. No sort of association.

But this time, we had a quarrel. So I prayed to HIM to show HIS presence and also to prove that all the messages that I am getting are not false and I only came only when baba gave me permission etc., I wanted to take Laddu as prasad. After we come out of darshan, temple authorities distribute prasadam to us. But to my dismay I got curd rice. I felt very disappointed. We were waiting at the temple's premises for the other members of our family to come. I saw a lorry with laddus to be distributed to the devotees.

I felt very very bad. I thought that god is saying me that "I haven't given you the Laddu but I am distributing to others in front of you. So wantonly I haven't given to you." I felt very very bad. I was quarreling with him feeling that " Am I so paraaya to you? Tirupati is so famous for Laddus and you can't give me laddu and you can't prove me your existence. You might be there but you are not for me".

I was observing the laddu van only. A small kid asked the person in the lorry for laddu. He gave the laddu and commanded him and her sister not to come again. So I thought even if I ask, HE would scold me as I am very big.

But I couldn't resist the feeling and at the end when we were leaving I asked him for a laddu. I was so desperate and obstinate to take laddu at any cost. Then that man said, 'Ayyo! You are here for such a long time and if you ask me, I would have given to you. Now nothing left.'

You could feel my emotions then. 'Am I so proud that I couldn't ask?' I questioned myself. But I am adamant and so I took the powder that is left in the lorry though the man was saying that there was nothing left. Again tears were in my eyes but I couldn't weep and I made few steps feeling very dejected and down. Then suddenly my people called me saying to look back. There the man in the lorry sent a laddu for me (probably they might have kept for themselves). No expression, no words can describe my feeling then.

Out of all my experiences so far in this life, these two are the wonderful experiences that I can never forget. Still baba is testing me despite those experiences. I do not know whether the blessing come true in this life or only in the next life.

My visit to Golagamudi in January 2006

I have been in turmoil for 5 long years and to be frank baba ditched me. I lost all hopes in life. If people cheat, we complain to god. If god himself cheats, we have no one. That is the end. Unfortunately it happened to me. Baba to whom I look up to for every thing, who proved to me time and again that HE is with me had given a very big blow to my life. I am just a living dead now. Ofcourse people blame me only saying that 'I might have misinterpreted or I might have pressured HIM'. But truth -- god only knows. If TRUTH is god, god also has to accept and oblige it.

Coming to my experiences in January, I have been praying to all gods and express my agony pressing for answers. Ofcourse I didn't get any answer. Except a silence. There was a trip to Tirupati, Kanipakam and Aragonda with the families of our Aunts. Actually last year, Lord Venkateswara Swamy (Balaji) has asked me if I would give my hair to HIM if HE fulfills my wish. (I felt so that HE asked me). I accepted but HE didn't granted it. That was a big shock to me wherein god in every form has cheated me. Don't know how many sins I had committed to receive such a big blow but that is true. So I got very angry on HIM and I thought that I will never visit TPT and if I ever visit, I will give my hair to HIM saying that 'See you didn't keep your promise, but I stick to my word and still giving you hair though you didn't fulfill my wish'. When my parents are planning this trip with the families of my aunts (all of us for doing Kalyanam to Lord Balaji), I was not interested to go. Then I asked baba Himself to say whether to go or not and HE immediately asked me to go. (HE is not giving answers as earlier and for this question, HE gave). Then I thought of whether to give hair or not (there is some reason for my doldrums). I questioned HIM a lot but didn't get a reply. What I decided is until and unless I get a stern 'No', I will give the hair. The day before we left for the trip, I got the reply saying that 'Now you keep it with yourself. You can give later'.

I had been longing a lot to get a blessing from Lord Venkaiah Swamy of Golagamudi. As soon as we alighted in Nellore, we went to my uncle's house and got ready quickly and started for Golagamudi. I just hid my tears from everyone but heart in heart I am weeping and praying a lot to give me blessing feeling what is the mistake in my confidence etc., I didn't go with my parents for the thread (it is customary to receive a thread there to be tied to our wrist) but was praying so deeply. We had to leave in 5 minutes or so but still I didn't get any blessings. I was so dejected and disappointed. I then completed a small book on HIM and was about to leave then my mother called me up saying 'Come on, Come on Guravaiah Swamy is there. Take his blessing'. To be frank, I do not believe Guravaiah Swamy. But I went there. When I bowed to him, he kept his hand on my head as Ashirwad and then they have given me some kumkum. I also bowed to the padukas of Venkaiah Swamy and left with much satisfaction. I begged for Aashirwad and He had given me.

Back in Shirdi

We returned to shirdi the same night by 9 pm. I wished to go for ShejArati and remain there for Kakad Arati in the queue but my parents refused. So I remained in the room. The next day we booked tickets for Sai Satya Vratam. Very few people are there. Only the first 4 rows are filled.

But this time VIP disease attacked this place too. The first row is reserved for VIPs. I was little disturbed as I always used to get the first row whenever I go to do the Pooja. (Initially too that day I was disturbed.) But I feel like wherever we sit, we have to do the Pooja with utmost devotion. But this time I was somewhat angry on baba and satyanarayana swamy and I begin to shed few tears with frustration. I began to question baba and satyanarayan swamy that I love this vratha and believe in the greatness of this pooja but why I was deprived of the fruits of this vratha and why HE was so indifferent to me and my sorrow.

There was very less crowd. I could take baba's darshan leisurely for 1/2 an hour. I got cova (sweet) as prasad from the security guards inside the samadhi mandir. They took the prasad from the priest and they distributed it to some of us who are standing in the Samadhi Mandir. I went to Dwarakamai, Gurusthan and Parayan Hall. I distributed the prasad of Sai Satya Vratam in the prayer hall and also to the beggars near hanuman temple. I also bought bread and distributed them among the beggars there. I usually do not go for shopping and try to spend as much time in the Parayan Hall as possible. This time I went for shopping and bought few photos of baba and also a small idol of Natya Ganapathi (Lord Ganesh in dancing pose).

The taxi driver who brought us from Nagarsol came that day as promised. There were two friends (elderly male) who travelled in the same taxi with us to Shirdi from Nagarsol also were there. They are from Sec'bad. One is a Psychiatrist and the other is a Copy Writer.

The return journey was also good except for I feel very uneasy and on November 1st, 2005 I got fever and couldn't enjoy diwali.

Visit to Trayambak

Trayambak, one of the Jyothirlingas and also the idol of Shivlinga is very different. The shivlinga here is the form of Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. We can see the forms at 3 corners of the same linga. (I am not good at explaining this form. I wish we can see the idol in photos). The architecture of Trayambak temple is in the Hemadpant's style. One has to see the sculpture. So lively and lovely are the images over there.

But the premises of the temple changed a lot. The place became very crowded with shops and all. At the back of the temple one can see a temple of Gayatri Devi. It is so beautiful. We can go inside and can touch the feet of the idol. We also can see a thin line of water (godavari) here.
We have to walk for 5 minutes to go to a place where we can find Pushkarini (with godavari water). Actually Trayambak is the birth place of Godavari. We have to climb 750 steps to see that place. Unfortunately I couldn't go there even this time (this is my 3rd visit to Trayambak). Only in the morning time pilgrims are allowed to go to the spot.

Near the pushakarini we can find Shiva temple and the priest there offers to perform Archana and bless us that our trip to Trayambak be successful and we get the fruits of the pilgrimage to the place.

One can see different types of prayer articles here in various metals. We feel an urge to buy all of them. On the way back to Shirdi, we can find a hotel run by telugu people (from Vijayawada). We left Trayambak at 6:15 pm on 30th october, 2005.

Visit to Panchavati

We visited Nasik (only a temple with all marble idols and also Padmavyuham) and Trayambak earlier when we went on a trip to holy places in a tourist bus. But they didn't take us to Panchavati.

Panchavati is an area of few acres where Rama used to live for 4 months during the Vanavasa period. (I wish the entire place is walled and there shouldn't be any residents but only trees to be planted.) We have to go through old and narrow streets to see 6 to 7 mandirs. Godavari water here is very dirty.

We can see 'Arthanareeswara' form of Lord Shiva before the confluence of Godavari river and two more rivers. We can see children diving into the water and they ask the pilgrims to throw coins into the water so that they can bring them back and keep those coins with them. Diyas (lamps) are also sold with flowers as a set to be left in the water.

After few yards, we can see the temple which houses the lords Dattatreya, Gayatri Devi, Shiva , Ganapati.

'Nasika' means Nose in Sanskrit. It is here that Lakshmana, younger brother of Lord Rama, cut the nose of Surphanakha, younger sister of Ravana. Hence the name 'Nasik'. The agitated Ravana sends his brothers with army to kill Lakshmana. Then Rama hides Sita in a secret place (Guha) and to remember the place he plants 5(Panch) trees (Vata) - (Pancha Vati). So we can see 'Seetaguha' there. We have to go downstairs through a very very narrow opening. We can see beautiful idols of Seeta, Rama, Lakshmana and Hanuma.

Besides that there is a Sivalinga in another room and we have to come upstairs from that side through another narrow opening. Near Sitaguha we will find the 5 trees numbered.

The best temple in Panchavati is Kalaram temple. One must visit this temple if they happen to go to Nasik. The story goes like this. In the godavari river (actually the confluence of three rivers) near this temple, people found the black idols of Rama, Sita, Lakshmana and Hanuman.
So the then peshwa of the place brought black stones from different places and built the present temple. They used only limestone and milk instead of cement. The significance of the architecture of the temple is that on the day of Srirama Navami, the first ray of sun falls at the feet of the idol of rama in the sanctum sanctorum.

The temple is in the middle and there is much open space on all sides inside the prakara (compound wall). We can take the photo of the idols here. The autowallas charge Rs. 51 to take us to all these temples and they act as guides too.

Visiting Vani - Saptasringi goddess' abode

We started by 7 am at Shirdi and reached Vani by 11 am. The temple is on seven hills like the lord Venkateswara. The condition of road is good and also the way is full of greenery. I could see many flowery crops(Bamti Poolu) and grape gardens.

The ghat road on the hills is not so curvy. Even the climate is sunny. I haven't seen the picture of Saptasringi Devi until the vehicle was parked at a shop. There are many shops that sell different pooja items. We can offer Rupas (the forms of hands, legs and different organs of body), coconut, saree, bangles, flowers, incense sticks and camphor. The sarees are also of different measurements viz., 5 gajas, 6 gajas etc., But the sarees of length 12 gajas can only be decorated to goddess. A basket of pooja items - a coconut, incense sticks, camphor and flowers costs Rs. 31. If 5 gajas saree is added, it costs Rs. 101. If 6 gajas saree is added, it costs Rs. 125. That is about the cost of the pooja items.

From this place (atop seventh hill), there are approximately 750 steps. The steps are somewhat stoop and slope like. I too feared a lot to climb them. I climbed each step by chanting baba's name. I was the first one to reach the sanctum sanctorum. The Darshan was wonderful. The goddess is so beautiful and she is decorated wonderfully. The idol is 8 ft. tall and she is smeared with Sindhoor and was tied a Silk Saree (Pattucheera). There are many idols of Lord Ganapati beside the steps on the way to the temple. There are also the idols of Lord Hanuman smeared with Sindhoor. Also present were Lord Rama with Sita, Laxmana and Hanuman. One can also see many monkeys as one climbs the steps.

My mother and her friend stopped half-way. I went to the main temple and offered the pooja items of ours and also aunty's to the priests there. One has to see the beauty of the goddess' idol. It is really wonderful and decorated well. Though the eyes are big, she looks cool but not as 'Ugra Roopini'. We also can find 'Padukas' there and we can touch the padukas as we cannot touch the idol which is at a distance to us. One priest will keep Sindhoor on devotees' foreheads.

Heart in heart I wished they(my father, mother and aunty) too come and offer prayers. Slowly my brother, my father, then my mother and her friend too came. They are all very happy that they could climb the steps and could take darshan successfully. I thought of doing archana but as my father couldn't sit (due to Rheumatism - Knee pain), I paid money and requested the archana to be done on Diwali day.

On return journey we feel a sense of strength in us and we were very much rejuvenated. We all understood that it is the result of the darshan.

How the place, Vani, came into picture!

As our trip was scheduled for 3 days, I thought of going to Pandarpur. My mother likes the place a lot and me too. Also it has been a long time (2 years) since we visited Pandarpur. We boarded in 'Hotel Sachin' run by Sri Kumaraswamy, a resident of nellore. He asked us to stay in that hotel when we went to meet him in our previous trip to shirdi. He was not there but his people there provided us the room and all as we informed them before hand. When I enquired them about pandarpur they said it was almost 16 hr journey to and fro. So we gave up the idea and decided to stay back in shirdi itself.

While on the queue to Samadhi Mandir my mother spoke to one gentleman and he said that he is a telugu guy and he has been residing in Nasik for the last 23 yrs with his family. He then spoke of Vani and said that it is a 2 hr journey from Trayambak and she is a powerful goddess and there would be festivities during Vijayadasami. Then I felt happy. I always wished to visit the places mentioned in Sai Leelamrutam. So I thought of going to Vani. It was as if baba is saying through him to go to Vani.

When we went to hotel I enquired them and they rang to the taxi person and they said that very few people ask for Vani and they have to bring a vehicle only for us for the trip and it would cost Rs. 1600 to and fro (Vani, Trayambak and Panchavati). First my dad and my brother decided to stay at shirdi only. So we told him that we will ask my father and will inform him whether we go or not.

At the same time, the cook there told that she has been to Vani many times and it would be like Tirumala on seven hills and we have to walk 750 steps to reach the temple after reaching the top hill. Then my heart was sinked with disappointment as both my mother's friend and my dad have arthritis problem and they may cancel the trip. My dad denied to visit vani and he said that he would stay back. Only my brother agreed to come along with us. But the next day morning somehow my dad too changed his mind and we embarked on the journey.

The hotel people are so considerate that they offered the empty room(as the rooms are vacant. Shirdi too is normal without much crowd.) to have our bath quickly. The van came late and we started at 7 am instead of 6 am. The driver is a telugu guy only. I am also happy that we are visiting Trayambak (I like this temple too a lot for the architecture. Two eyes are not enough to see the beauty of it). I am also happy that I am going to see two new places Vani and Panchavati. In my earlier trips (on tourist bus) they didn't show us.

My seventh trip to Shirdi

I thought of visiting shirdi when my offer to the new company was confirmed. When I rang my aunt (mother's sister) to accompany us, my uncle (her husband) replied that we will go to Konark or some other place this time as we had visited shirdi few times. I made up my mind to go to some other place this time. Heart in heart I thought of going to Chennai if the trip to Konark do not materialise. Due to heavy rains in their place, it was evident after few days that we can't go to Konark.

I began pressuring my mother to visit Chennai. One of my mother's friend never visited Shirdi before and she doesn't even know the story of baba. She just knows that baba is a god through my mother (her childhood friend) and also by the many temples of him. She asked my mother to take her to Shirdi and Srisailam sometime. I am asking my mother to go to Chennai and they are planning to visit Srisailam.

Suddenly aunty asked me last sunday like why don't we go to Shirdi first? I replied ok, then, why not, as I first thought of visiting shirdi only. But to go to shirdi we can't take decision (ofcourse to go to any place, I need HIS permission). I told her like once I return home I will ask for HIS consent and if he gives the permission we will go. I came home and opened Sai Leelamrutham. There I got the message like, 'A pilgrimage would be fruitful only when it has got Sadguru's blessings'. Then I insisted like that is what I am seeking your permission and blessing. I again opened the book and there HE gave HIS consent. 'First go to shirdi and then go to your home'. This is the first time in few years that HE has given a message as soon as it was requested.

Later when we heard the news of floods in Chennai my mother commented that 'That is why baba changed our minds and directed us to Shirdi instead of Chennai'. Yes. I was in such a state that I feel like going to chennai at any cost (this time I wished to visit Anna Baba Mandir too and other temples too if possible). It is too adamant to say that I would have gone (No one can do anything without HIS wish), but my urge was as such. Anyway baba directed me to shirdi itself.
That is how we planned a trip to shirdi and we got the tickets in RAC. Anyhow on the day of leaving our reservation was confirmed.

Messages

It is my experience with baba during Feb 2004. I have a personal deadline for myself on Dec 2004 and so I am anxious on better job prospects and seriously looking out for a change. I decided to move to bangalore by resigning the job. How many times I open and seek permission, he didn't give me. But I was too busy in job that I find no time at all for personal things too. I badly thought of a change though I loved the job. So one day I told him like give me a crystal clear message that you don't want me to resign the job.

In the evening, one of my seniors in the university rang to me. He is good and we have good rapport. Thats it. We never communicated much. We can count it on finger that how many times we communicated. He told that somehow he got the thought of me and so rang and while talking I expressed my wish to resign the job and all. He told me that 'never ever resign the job'. Thats it. I thought 'its ok. I got the message'. Because he stays in blr and all of a sudden why he should think of me and ring to me.

Though I am disappointed that he didn't permit me, I am happy that atleast he sent me message.

Later I switch over to present job. The same happened again seriously from september last year that I strongly wished to resign the job and it reached its peak on november, december, january. How many times I ask HIM by opening the books 'do not resign the job. wait with patience' is the only reply I got. I struggled a lot to continue, I mean its a matter of personal choice. Anyhow from April I got good change in the job front if not the best.

I am now again desperately waiting for a message from him ofcourse not with respect to job. Let us see whether HE gives or not. If not, I decided not to talk to HIM again and this would be the end of our relationship from my side.

Sudden Surprise after the Chennai Trip

Immediately after coming from Chennai, I mean on Monday, Vani akka (my roommate when I was studying M.Sc. She is a good friend of mine) , called me to her house as her mother came. Somehow I felt an urge to go there. Leg is still paining and my mother also not feeling well. But I insisted on going there.

We alighted the bus near JNTU and rang to her to pick us up as we dont' know her house. She came and when we are about to sit in the auto I saw a banner about Satsangam. I wished to go to it. Because I have been longing to attend a Satsang in hyd. But was not possible so far. Though my mother denied, I pressured and me and Vani akka came to Satsang after going to her house.

When we came to Satsang, I came to know that it was of Sri Purna Chandra Rao garu from Vizag. We sat there for sometime and someone are singing bhajans. After sometime I went before the platform to pray to Baba's murthy. You believe it or not, there were padukas of 9 avadhutas. I don't know about it. I was really amazed. I thanked HIM. Later the satsang started and I came to know that Avadhuta Gopal Baba just left the place few min back. Then I thought 'Oh, I missed HIM'. Anyway I was not that much sad because it is only me who used to say to Baba that I do not need darshan of any avadhutas. Baba, Master garu, Venkaiah Swamy are enough for me. May be that is why baba did not let me have the darshan of gopal baba and Amma of Maruvattur.

Even in the Satsang, Sri PurnaChandra Rao narrated the incident of Parvatesudu, by whose field Sri Gurudu used to go and when the lord asks HIM what HE wants, he replies that God should bless HIS field by walking there and eventually god tests HIS belief and devotion and blesses him accordingly. I felt like the message was 'Have faith even though the present situation seems to be completely dark'. But I am angry on this message too. Why should HE feel that I do not have faith in HIM. I have but HE only is playing with my feelings by saying 'Kabhi Ha, Kabhi Na'. These days I am feeling very restless and getting much angry on HIM.

My impression of the trip

My trip to Chennai was very fruitful and there was no inconvenience at all except for the expenses (otherwise would be less) and the minor pain which didn't bother me in the least.

There was a small story. I have been quarreling with baba for a long time and on tuesday (July 12th) I beated him. Means I gave punches on his image in the book. I was so angry that baba is not answering me at all and if at all he gives, the same old and gramphone recorded sort of replies. I have been praying and pleading and He seems not caring at all. So I was at my lunatic best :) and gave two or three punches with much anger and I also beated the book to the cot many times.

I really feel like throwing the books and tearing the pages and throwing all the portraits in the river. I know I had to experience the similar things if I put them into action :) but at times I get that much angry on baba for His silence and not so caring replies.

I didn't visited the doctor for 3 long months and there was no medication at all. I thought this time doctor (homeopathy) will scold me and he may advice a small surgery. (My uncle has to undergo the same. My Uncle, My mother and Me got the same ailment - It is one of the types of Egzima).

I thought 'Baba, I beated you. So you let me visit chennai and then you punish me as such. Ok. This time I do not fear. Let thy will prevail. But please baba. Let the doctor not scold me and give only medicines but not any injection or surgery. Tell me baba. Did I beat you unnecessarily? You were playing pranks with me and you care damn for me so in that anger I retaliated as such. what is my mistake? I once again say, it is only your fault but not mine.) I have been saying to him as such.

Luckily doctor didn't scold me at all. He was more cool than before. I thanked HIM. Ofcourse I didn't keep my promise this time too. I said to HIM that I will complete one book of Sai Namam. But I didn't. So what is there with baba? It is my fault always and I deserve whatever baba gives.

As I am moody and lazy, I do not pray regularly. I pray whenever feel like. I claim like never bother such things for I always remember you and am conscious that you are there with me and you know my each and every thought. hmm...... one of the worst devotees any god can have. But baba is so kind that HE bears me and my Shaitaani.

Whatever, baba is baba. There is no doubt about that.

Second Day in Chennai

Visit to Shenoy Nagar and Mel Maruvattur

Actually my aunt from Cheepurpalli rang and invited us to her place as I was on leave. It was years that I visited their place. We were in a fix. My mother rang to another aunt in Tirupati and said that we may go there. My brother insisted to visit Nellore. My mom also wanted me to visit Maruvattur at any cost. I want to visit Shenoy Nagar temple and Annababa Mandir and I didn't liked the idea to leave Chennai without visiting them. What to do? Where to go? My brother insisted to go to Nellore. We don't know the correct address of any of the two temples.

Anyway we started by 9 am. We went to the Sai temple near Guindy by auto. ( I did not have any communication to/from my cell as I didn't charge it. I was so shy and what we call (mohamatam), I couldn't charge my cell in my NET friend's house though I took charger with me) The temple was closed. There an elderly man guided us. He asked us to visit Shenoy Nagar by dropping at Nunjambakkam. From Guindy, Nunjambakkam comes after 4 stops. Mambalam, ? , Kodambakkam, Nunjambakkam. We dropped at Nunjambakkam and went to Shenoy Nagar.

The Autowallahs charged much. But we bargained and went there for 40 rs. But to our dismay, the temple was also closed. And we came to know that Anna Baba Mandir is very far and they are not sure if it is open all the day. So we decided to visit Maruvattur (I thought that because of this reason baba punished me without giving darshan in Guindy and Shenoy Nagar). But I felt very very sorry for not being able to see the temple. The temple was locked. Though they allowed inside, we couldn't see anything. We just went round the temple. One generous lady who stays in the opposite house suggested us to visit Maruvattur and then return in the evening if we have enough time. She spoke in telugu.

I am not sure if we can make it to the temple in the evening. I was depressed and got angry on baba like 'See. I came from hyderabad. Ok. It is not me who came but it is you who brought me here. But then why didn't you allow me to have your darshan here. I am really really anxious to visit these 4 temples in Chennai. Why didn't you permit me?' Anyway we again took auto to Koyembedu station and boarded Maruvattur bus. This temple is also closed by the time we reached there. We reached there by 1:15 pm and the temple will be open after 3 pm. What to do? I cursed myself that why didn't I prefer to come to Maruvattur in the morning itself so that I can return and visit both the temples. My brother insisted to go to either Cheepurpalli or Nellore. I told him like I have to visit one of the temples anyhow. This way we quarreled.

The temple is very beautiful and so the goddess. The premises are also very clean. I bought two sarees there. I missed the main devotee (He is a man and devotees call him 'Amma'). We came to know that HE will come by car by 4 pm. I was neither interested nor indifferent. I was anxious to return to Chennai asap. We went to ring to my parents and aunt and by the time we returned he just left. It was only 3:35 pm. I felt very disappointed. We missed Him in the matter of 5 minutes or so. I thought 'Ok Baba. Ok. Your will. I am not so interested. It would be good, if I could see Him. Ok. May be some other time. Never mind:) Atleast bless me with your darshan in any one of the temples'. Heart in heart I wished to visit Shenoy Nagar only as we know the way for it.

I am somewhat disheartened and so I decided to return to hyderabad only instead of going to Cheepurpalli. Two reasons for it. Mood out (I am completely moody fellow and they fluctuate like anything. All of a sudden I will be depressed for no reason :( :) Also I invited an elderly person to my house and he agreed to visit. It would be bad if I am not present there in hyderabad. Also my leg became something beyond description. I am limping actually and I became an object to look at for everyone. So I thought of visiting doctor asap. So I asked my brother to take tickets to hyderabad only. If not, then take tickets for vizag or so (because we decided to leave chennai the very day). Luckily we got tickets (last seats). It was 6:15pm and the bus is at 8 pm. We rushed to Shenoy Nagar in Auto and you belive me or not, this mandir is wonderful. Do not miss it. The mandir is so simple and rich in serenity. There is Swami Kesavaiahji's samadhi too. I liked the priest. He just shouts 'Sai' when any new devotee comes and pray to the main photo in sanctum sanctorum. It was like calling HIM, informing HIM that someone came for you. His call is too good and I felt straight from the heart too, that I wished to listen to it again and again.

After sitting few minutes near Swami Kesavaiahji's Samadhi ( I read his life history long back and from then I wonder if I can ever visit this temple because Chennai was never in our list of places as we have no one there), I came to main mandir and sat before baba and began speaking to him. Though I missed Annababa Mandir, I am happy that I could atleast visit this temple and baba listened to my prayer. I began talking to HIM, 'Baba can you give me prasad, I am feeling hungry'. At that time there was no prasad. Priest gave me some flower (pedda malle damdalo chinna mukka) and sugar candy (patika bellam). Immediately a devotee couple came and brought two dozens of bananas and the priest asked them to distribute to the devotees sitting in the mandir. It was amrutapani banana and very big. One banana was enough for the time being. I felt very joy because that is itself like baba talking to me.

Earlier our conversations are such, I feel or ask something and he would respond immediately. Whether he grants every wish or not is not the question, but whether he talks or not is the one that matters to me the most. So I was happy. Then there were many poolamalas (garlands) on the feet. I thought 'Baba what would you do with such big poolamalas. why don't you give me one?'. But ofcourse he didn't :)) Anyway after having very good time in the temple, we left it. There is a small Vinayaka temple in the same premises. The priest of the temple spoke to us in the morning. He recognized me and he gave me the poolamala (ofcourse a small one as given by the main priest:)) and enquired if I visited Maruvattur. We started at 7:40 pm from the temple. Ofcourse bus was late. It started at 8:30 pm.

First Day in Chennai

As we are new to Chennai, we don't know how to go to my net friend's house. He has given the address as sms. I only know that we have to go to Velachery and then I have the direction. He has given the bus number and it is from the koyembedu station. But we dropped at Central station as one passenger told us that our destination is near from this place. By that time my leg is swelling like anything. It got bulged. But I am anxious to visit Sai Puram. (when can I go to this person's house, when can I get ready, when can I be able to visit the temple. Oh my god, you want me to be late.....) I rang to my net friend and he asked me to go to Guindy and then from Guindy take auto to his house. His mother is waiting for us. Then we went to Guindy by train and then went to his house. It was very easy to locate his house. His mother received us very well. We took bath and had our brunch.

Meanwhile this guy asked me about the phone number and all to enquire about the timings. I asked him to browse the Shirdi-sai-baba.com/forum and check my post under 'prayers' section. I am confident that the fellow sai bandhus of the forum will reply me. As expected Shammiji and Sushmaji replied. The phone number is of Mailapur temple and they gave the saipuram temple's number. Thus we started by 12 pm. By that time I became weak and I feel drowsy and we started. We need to go to Tiruvanmayur and from there we can get sharing autos or buses. We got the bus for tiruvayur and from there we went to Tiruvanmayur. I couldn't walk by this time. It was very difficult and everyone are staring at me. My brother felt embarrassed and said 'See. All are looking at you'. I care a damn for it. I am just waiting for the moment to step into the temple.

When we alighted at Tiruvanmayur and were waiting for bus, sharing autos were moving by. One person shouted 'Injambakkam, Injambakkam'. I asked him if he could drop us at Sai temple. They didn't know Saipuram. One of the passengers in the auto told me that if we have to go by bus, we need to say 'Prarthana Theatre' (I suppose so.) as the stop. I visited Kovalam in May and at that time I don't know about Saipuram. Anyhow we reached there and bought the threads, lamps, coconut and also the craddle. I slowly walked and atlast could step inside the temple. I felt very joy though I am weak. I thought 'Oh, Baba! Atlast you brought me here. Thank you. But what is the use if you do not talk to me. Please talk to me and grant my wish'. I have been saying so. I felt very much joy because I longed like anything to visit Saipuram from the moment I came to know about it. I think it is Sangeetaji who told me about Saipuram and the wish fulfilling tree. I thank her very much. Really this is a temple every sai devotee must visit.

I liked the baba painting on the back of the marble statue in the sanctum sanctorum than the statue itself. In that baba's hands are like inviting us to hug him. It was like Jesus stretching hands. It is a rare photo I guess because I never saw baba in this pose, stretching hands. I feel like hugging him. It was like meeting after a long time and celebrating the occasion. Ofcourse baba is every where. But I liked the photo a lot. I roamed all the temple and everywhere the photos are life-like images. You could really see HIM in those photos. You feel as if HE is staring at you, directly into your eyes. As I couldn't eat well, I became hungry and got sleep. But I wished to do pradakshina too. I was just doing rounds to the main statue. I thought like lets do as many as I can. I usually count 9 * 12s. One 12 at a time. Once I complete 3 rounds ( 3 * 12 = 36), I sat for a while, doze and then again go round. In this way, I could complete 108. I did this as if I am limping for the pain. I have been praying HIM like how can you cheat me baba, how can you be silent, please answer, please bless me. why are you so silent, I know you accompanied me here. Without you I couldn't come. When this ardent wish to visit Saipuram came true, why can't the other which takes my life away. Please do not send me without your blessing, do not send me with empty hands. Atleast give an answer to me'. In this way I have been praying HIM all through. By the time I completed 108 pradakshins, I was exhausted completely. I ate banana.

There is a meditation room below the sanctum sanctorum. Instead of meditating, me and my brother just slept. I thought someone would come and scold us. But luckily no one came there. As it is friday afternoon, visitors are very less. It was something like I couldn't move my leg and it is paining. I again got doubt. Baba, what is this, I am not able to move. I cannot return without visiting other temples. I can't lay sick in someone else's house. Please give me strength etc., Few times I tried but I couldn't move. I just sit for sometime and then I could move. Before that when we decided to leave, I prayed to baba for His answer and told HIM that I will open just once. I took the books that I bought in Shirdi. In one book, I got the incident of Sapatnekar. 'See this person thinks that I killed his child. Did I do that? Never mind. I will bring the very child back to her womb and bless him'. In the same page also there is the incident of Dr. Pillai. I opened another book. To my surprise in that page there was the incident of Chandbhai Patil. ' You didn't lose your horse. It is nearby only. Search there'. (Not exactly the same sentences). I am happy for this replies. Ofcourse I didn't get any confirmation. The more he replies, the more we wish for confirmation. Anyway HE kept quiet. But I felt good. Its ok. It is better than keeping mum or giving irrelevant answer.

Then I decided to go to Mailapur Sai Temple. We went to Tiruvanmayur and then boarded a bus for Mailapur. We had to walk a lot to reach the temple from the bus stop and we couldn't get the auto. My leg began to pain again and I sat there without going for darshan as I couldn't stand in line. Though it is not similar, this temple resembled the baba temple in Nellore. Somehow I felt so though there is no resemblance at all. After half an hour, I stood up and went for darshan. I really wished for the flower from baba drop on me. But the priest there removed the flowers leaving no chance for it :( I thought 'Its ok. I shouldn't ask for more. It is ok. :)) The prasadam there is 'sambar rice' and believe me it was so delicious and I was so hungry that I wished to ate a plate full of it. But as it is prasadam and that person might scold me for I went for second time, I resisted the temptation. But it is too good that my mouth waters even now while I type:)

In Mylapore temple people lit candles. I too lighted. My brother asked me to visit the doctor there in the temple but I feared as the dispensary is allopathic. Anyway as my foot bulged like anything and swelling, I decided to return to my net friend's house instead of going to other temples. But no one in Mylapore could give correct answer about Shenoy Nagar Sai Temple. They suggested a small temple near Guindy and told us that it is itself Shenoy Nagar. By the time we returned to his house, his wife and child are back from office and school respectively. After sometime my NET friend came. This was the first time that we met.

Getting Permission to visit Chennai

I started to Chennai last thursday evening. I was on leave from 15th to 22nd of this month. So I was in a fix whether to visit Chennai for Gurupurnima or start immediately. I read that one should tie the thread on thursday and fridays only. So I decided to start that thursday itself. My left foot is not good and is swelling with blood and pus. I wanted to go at any cost if Baba permit me. Earlier I couldn't go as I didn't get the tickets. This time I started asking HIM in NET and also I asked my parents to ask HIM. But somehow we didn't get correct answer. I then mailed to one of my friends who is in Singapore and asked her to open Satcharita for me about the trip. I thought that if I get some positive reply, then I will move on. If I get the tickets then it is an indication for your consent. She mailed me that she get the page where Baba gives permission to Mereekar and ask him to take Shama along with him. I thought who would be the shama in my case. Anyway as my mother and father are not feeling well, they decided to send my brother along with me. But they are very unhappy with my impulsive decisions. They asked me to wait as my foot is also not good and said that to go leisurely. They said they also will accompany me by getting reservation for Gurupurnima. My dad asked me to wait for one day atleast so that he can accompany me. (Because me and my brother both are new to Chennai and we do not have any relatives there. I decided to go to a NET friend's house). My mother said that the tithi is 'ashtami' and it is not good t o start. I just replied them like what to hesitate if baba has given me permission and if I get the tickets it is itself the evidence that he has given it. So my parents kept quiet. I rang to my colleague and asked him to find out if the tickets are available. This time he booked the tickets for us. (Ofcourse with double cost. I could get tickets only in AC bus).
Thus I started for Chennai though my parents and brother are not willing. Anyways my mother also asked me to visit Mel Maruvattur. I went to an office where I worked previously and still associated with (as the bus stop is near by). Sir told me that if I can say before hand, he would have arranged a nice trip for me because he has many good friends there. He then rang to one of his friends and let me talk with HIM. He asked him to take very good care of me as I do not know chennai well.

With all this, I am slowly sinking. Deep in my heart I begin to feel like am I doing anything wrong by starting hurriedly. Should I need to slow down and should correct myself from taking impulsive decisions. Anyway I just shed off all those thoughts assuring myself like 'come what may, I am anxious to visit sai puram and baba also has given me permission. why should I worry unnecessarily'. The thing is it was very cold and I am usually avert to chill weather. We forgot the sweater and blanket etc., Anyhow I thought like 'Ok. I completely surrender to you. If this is the punishment for not being able to wait, it is ok'. Then the bus people begin to give a small card having baba's photo on it. I am surprised. Then I became very happy. 'Ok. I have your permission. You are travelling with me. Thank you'. Then I grow stronger and all my sad thoughts disappeared. Why not, when baba is with me, why should I fear :)) Then I began to talk to HIM like 'Baba, I know it is not possible and not good to ask but can you give me blanket too as I am feeling very cold and shivering'. I have been asking HIM as such but I thought how can baba give even if HE wishes so for who will give me the blanket in the bus full of unknown passengers. I also felt like it is greediness to ask Baba for a blanket for HE gave permission to visit Saipuram and also HE himself is travelling with me and it is enough.

I took my brother's shirt from the bag and also covered myself with dupatta. Still I am feeling very cold and shivering. Then all of a sudden bus people began to give blankets. (As it is an AC bus it is customary for them to give. As I never travelled in the AC bus I didn't know about that). One has to imagine my feelings when I get the blanket. It is really unexplainable. I rang to my mother and informed them what had happened. I rang two times, first to inform that baba is coming with me and then about the blanket.

Days of Intermediate

My interest in baba grew as such that I thought it is bad to apply creams to my face and show interest to makeup myself etc., I used to have many pimples and I haven't used any cream except Baba's Udhi. That to, for me, pimples, big in size, appeared on forehead too. But I never cared.

Though I wished to be beautiful, I was least bothered about the comments in the college. I am very very confident and give importance only to my decisions, no matter what, I hook on to my decision only. I budge not an inch. I feel like I am good looking even though I have pimples :) (People also mention so when they comment. Is it the reason for your carelessness?) The same carelessness is present with respect to dressing and every aspect of the outward appearance.

I always feel like one's character should give beauty to one's persona but not one's physical attributes and also I love to be simple and look beautiful yet. I always think high of myself (but not proud) for my ideology. I didn't make friends in college and I preferred to be alone though I used to talk normally. Baba was my friend those days. Daily I used to talk to him and sometimes sing arathi etc., Those are the really happy days and my mom also felt very happy because she didn't like the attitudes of some of my friends in school.

I never went to any movies or functions in the college even though everyone insisted me to attend. (Iam the same even now also with respect to my mentality, friends always complain:)) What I feel is just going out with them does not mean being their friend and I am very good as a friend so I need not justify myself by doing something I am not interested in or I don't like.

Tenth Holidays

After the SSC results, when the group was decided, I had to think of the college. Our school's founder happened to be a friend of the founder of Aditya College, Nellore. So he suggested my uncle (who also is a teacher in that school) to join me in Aditya Junior College. Before that my dad asked me to get the applications and apply in govt. colleges. I used to ask Baba whether to go or not. He usually denied and I didn't go. My dad used to scold me like I am enjoying holidays and is least interested in the studies. So I asked my friends to bring the application form for me too. That way I could get application forms of one or two colleges. Due to my dad's pressure, I had to go sometimes even though baba said 'not to'. Whenever I went as such, there was something or other problem like concerned clerk was not there, college closed etc., Anyway as we give very much respect to the correspondent of our school, our parents finally decided to join me in Aditya Junior College. So that was the reason why baba didn't gave permission to go to govt. colleges to get application.

SSC Results

It was only after 10th results that I became more attached to Baba. I am never a hardworking student. I just write what all I listen in the school in the days I attend. Thats it.

All our teachers has great expectation on me. At that time, 1994, getting more than 500 marks is treated as good score. But I know I couldn't get because I didn't attempted the exams well. I made silly mistakes even while writing the exam. So I was guilty of showing my face to our teachers. I didn't go to school also. Someone went on behalf of me and enquired the marks. Also I was not even sure of further course of study.

All my aunts and uncles wanted me to pursue M.B.B.S. so they adviced me to join Bi.P.C. I am not interested in M.P.C., so I too thought of taking Bi.P.C. (though I fear doctors a lot). But my parents knew me very much. My dad told me that, M.P.C. and Bi.P.C. are for hardworking students, you do not work hard, so for a girl like you, C.E.C. is the best option.

I was in confusion. Because I don't like either C.E.C. or M.P.C. I wonder if there is Special English in Intermediate itself. So I prayed to Baba like, He has to decide for me. If I cross 500 mark, I would take Bi.P.C. otherwise I would go for M.P.C. Someone joked like what if you get, 499, I told them, then also I will take M.P.C. only. But I got only 486, so there was no room left for any dilemma.

School Days

All my school days, he has been a friend to me. I never read Sai Leelamrutham. But I used to sing Aratis occasionally. We also have satsangs in our house. Those were the days of f'ship with HIM. I used to say what all happened in school. I used to share everything with Him.

I changed school after 5th standard. Though teachers are very good, classmates are not that much cooperative. Somehow I didn't like because I was always hurt for one reason or other. I don't name them bad, they are good but somehow, I couldn't relate to them. Most of them never matched my expectations and definitions of a friend. I used to feel very much like an odd word/person among them.

So whenever I was hurt, I used to complain to HIM and weep. But I am a very confident and individualistic person that I manage without friends. Sometimes most of the girls (overall we were only 9 members) didn't talk to me at all. I couldn't understand my mistake either. But I didn't care because I am the favourite of our teachers.

I used to say to Him, 'Baba, I don't care if these people are good to me or not, if they behave like true friends or not, but please give me a good person as my life partner, who could be my best of friends and caring one whom I could love genuinely. That was the only prayer of me.

One day my grandmother (my beloved granny(mother's mother), Smt. Nemali Krishnakumari, whom I lovingly call Andal) had some problem and she was admitted in hospital. I fear hospital and doctors and so I did not go to the hospital. But I bunk the school and sat in our Verandah and quarrelled with Baba like anything, like He can't take my grandmother, He is not good because HE is suffering her. I do not remember exactly what all I scolded him, but I quarelled with Him very much. At that time I was too young, 12 or 13 years old. There was not much association like no questions, no replies etc., Just I used to say my version, keep on talking to Him. Luckily my grandmother was discharged and she was normal again. I thanked Him like anything.

So there is nothing special that I remember in those days. Just to talk to Him, sometimes I do open the book and ask questions, but didn't remember what all happened. Whenever a page where someone dies opens, I used to feel like 'May I die? So young? Baba, do you take me away?'

Fever and Cure

The first incident which I remember is when I was in 4th class. There used to be a cupboard before our bed. Me and my mother used to sleep on that bed. One night I got very high temperature suddenly. I couldn't take a nap. I woke up my mom and that day she is very sleepy (normally she wakes up even for a pindrop. She told me to take Vibhuti and sleep. I took the Vibhuti, applied it on my forehead and sprinkled a little bit in my mouth. Morning when I woke up, there is no trace of fever at all.